The person who loves me the most.

 The person who loves me the most is no doubt was my father. I remember when I was young whatever I want he will give it to me. He loves to bully me too. And this I won't tell here because if I wrote here then everyone will know what I fear.

The next person who loves me the most will be my dearest husband. Let's called him J. I know in my heart very well that he love me the most. Whatever I want he will fulfill. No matter what within boundary and within his capability. He has been working really hard for our family and I am really grateful for. I am a very lucky woman to have him. 

We have been married for 15 years and we knew each other for 20 years. Is that a long time you might ask? It is not too long and it is also not short. In my mind I want to grow old with him and when we are both old and wrinkle I still want him to hold my hand and walk together in the park or shopping or for a stroll. 

I told him before. He can't die before me. Am I selfish? Of course I am. I don't want to be left alone without him by my side. But he did not promise me that. I wish he did promise me but he can't promise me something that he can't have control over. 😂😂😂 I know I am crazy for asking that from him but at least I tried.

We have been apart for at least 6 years. He was working in another country while JY and I were in our home country. He will come back home only during CNY or JY's birthday. I am like a single mother looking after her daughter. I drove JY to and back from school, went for all her competition and all her award ceremony alone. Then I will send him all the photos. He will call us everyday. Actually 3 times a day. Morning, afternoon and night. This is how we stay together for the past 6 years. It is hard for me and JY. I am sure it is hard for him too.

My heart hurts deeply because he missed all her 6 years of life. He missed her first year of school. Her first story telling competition. Her first award. He missed all that. 

I hurt deeply too when I am thinking he had no one to do his laundry. No one to cook for him. He had to do all that himself and also he ate out for all his meal. I know it is not healthy for him but I can't do anything. This is the path that we choose. Do I regret it? I don't regret with the decision that we make.

Did he cheat on me? I don't know and I don't want to know. My wise dad always said "it is best not to know than to know. If you know then what will you do?". So J if you are reading this please don't tell me until the day I die. Even on your death bed please don't ever tell me. But... there is always a but... But I trust you and I still do trust that you never did cheat on me.

All relationships have its own ups and downs. There are sure to have lots of problems. Did we swept our problems under the rug? I believe we did. And I believe one day it will explode but when the day comes then only I will deal with it. For now I am happy and in our own la la land.